There have been numerous shootings east of my house in the mission. This was mentioned to me by numerous friends some of whom were near the places where said incidents took place.
Last night I met Rochelle for dinner at Emmy’s prior to her two month leave in South America where she will be teaching. I am sad to see her go. We are all sad that she’ll be gone for so long, but, as Tracy said, “You’ll be back in no time.” Hearing this phrase, I forgot how true it is. Whenever you leave a place you know, the instant you come back it’s like nothing happened at all. I have feared that that would be my experience if I were to leave California and return home, but I don’t know if you can so easily forget 3 years of your life. Perhaps I’d be surprised.
Lately the weather has been crazily hot and this has made men far more frank than I’d like. I have been followed around, and even an old man with a cane stopped to tell me he ‘like it’. Men moaning “Oh baby I need you, mmm baby come back.” are not absent from this scenario. Until now it hasn’t been so clear to me that I live in a city since I feel I’ve always lived in one, but the regular interactions with strangers I have had to deal with as of late have been so excessive as to remind me that such things don’t happen in places like my hometown Elkins Park Pennsylvania. I have always thought of myself as such a city girl that to even realize that I was living in a city would take me outside of what I was – a city girl.
But there is some escape. My new house is gigantic compared to my last, and I am often home alone in it such as now. I like to walk around it. I like to walk up the stairs cuz who can do that in San Francisco all that much? I look forward to my new room when I will not be awakened by a symphony of car alarms (Really you would think their was a professional conductor on my street). That room is far more peaceful.
I am having many moments of self-doubt, and irritation. I am aware that I am not a patient person, and this often gets the better of me. I want things to happen fast and when they don’t I either quite or become deeply distressed. I endlessly ask myself what I can do to speed the process. Never do I realize that a little waiting is part of anything. Even in situations where waiting is imperative I get anxious. For instance, yesterday when Rochelle was coming over I called her to see how close she was. She was a block away. I tried to think of a way to meet her, but when she said “See you at your house” I realized that just waiting for her made a lot more sense than walking out to meet her for one block. This doesn’t always occur to me.
Fortunately there is a calming element to my life. I successfully read a good chunk of that screenwriting bible STORY yesterday while at Philz with Kevin. I notice that when he goes to the coffee shop with me I get more work done. He is so focused that it reminds me to be so as well. When I’m alone I sometimes find myself on myspace….
Today we’ll meet up again to do the same. I probably won’t bring my computer because it’s the words of other people I need right now. Often I wish I could just become injected with knowledge, there is so much to know, but more often than not I obsess over what it is I can do to make my dreams happen as fast as they can. I wish I knew the answer to this, it is what I’m always searching for.
Oh city girl, sometimes city boys get gawked and yelled at, too!