I keep re-writing the start of this entry, trying to figure out exactly what I’m trying to say. I guess all I really know I want to say is this: I’m moving tomorrow, thank god. I wasn’t really thinking about it at all, but now the time is here and I am fortunately blessed with a great opportunity that I did not foresee at the beginning of this wretched housing hunt.
I have a lot of things to be thankful for, a lot. I feel more confident and happy than I have in ages. I am doing the things I want to do instead of just talking to them. I am hanging out with the people I want to see, and accepting that what is happening is happening for a reason.
This past Tuesday and Wednesday my very good friend Kevin took me to Las Vegas with his band The Frail. I didn’t know I was going till the day before (same as my trip to Mexico). I am so glad that I have a schedule that accommodates these random trips.
It is so weird that it is Friday today. I can hardly tell the days apart. Last night I met up with a friend to learn Final Cut at around 11 and there were so many people out and about. There were so many pretty girls! Everyone was all dressed, looking for something I don’t’ know what. I didn’t know what they were getting out of it. I used to do just that, but now when I look back on it I don’t know what I was searching for. I know that that life didn’t really make me happy, but you would never have known that from the way I looked.
I guess you could say I’m in a different place now. I have said that many times before, but this time I’m completely unapologetic about it. I don’t even entertain the idea of going out.
So now I’m moving again, AGAIN. I was thinking about this and how I always have trouble buying things offline because they don’t have my current address or something like that. ‘Wait, you don’t live in the Castro anymore?’ people still ask. These kind of questions, this regular state of people being a few months behind of my life has been pretty consistent. I guess I move fast.
I’m currently in the process of applying to grad school, so who knows where I will be a year from now. You might think I care, but I do not. Things are easy going here, and I feel I have a network, but life has treated me in such away that I am bound to be ripped from the seams of where I am and put somewhere totally new. I willingly follow because I guess it’s just the nature of who I am. I am always packing my bags in some way or another, sometimes literally sometimes emotionally.
For the first time in my life I finally see possibility as a form of freedom rather than a burden. Light-heartedly I realize I can do anything I want, and this finally exciting rather than frightening.
I really like this entry, Alex, and just knowing you’re happy makes me happy:)
I too have felt that constant feeling of running away.. new coordinates, lovers, boyfriends. I remember one day realizing that my hours of walking were directly related: that while I maintained the same job, coordinates, and lover, I had found a new way of constantly moving, looking for places to hide.
And then, I remember the day where I realized I was happy being in the same place, and that I loved it that much more.
It was nice seeing you yesterday / the day before, and yes I do in fact owe you a long walk!:)
err, my boyfriends, I meant job;) sigh.. haven’t maintained my old skills of writing on phones, that’s for sure.