And it’s very beautiful out. I am sloppily writing down some story ideas in on word, when really I should be writing them on final draft but oh well. I have had a really disenchanting weekend as far as the people in my life. One of my ‘good friends’ invited me out to dinner and was 2 hours late. Today another friend texted me to go hiking, and then never wrote back about when we’d go. I got in an argument with another friend, and all the friends I probably wouldn’t get in an argument with are out of town or aren’t answering their phones.
Which brings me to a state that I’m sure many of us have all gone through. AKA: I feel so alone in this world. Look at it out there it’s so sunny and there are so many things going on and I have nobody to do anything with blah blah.
What does one do to solve this state? Is is solveable? Do you just go out and meet new people? Some people have a group of friends who last for years, but I have not had that. My relationships are temporal, and very often they weren’t very strong while they lasted. I admit that I’m a weird person and this does not help, but a lot weirder people have gotten by as far as I know.
A few months ago I read this line in one of Miranda July’s short stories. She was realizing that her friend Sara (that wasn’t really the name) was her ‘real friend’. This was different than the people she’d always imagined herself ending up with. But one day she realized that the truth was that Sara was her real friend, her real friend indeed. She hung out with her, she knew about her life, they’d known each other for quite some time.
This was something I related to a lot. Often times we have this idea of the types of people we should be around, but we don’t end up around those people. If we do find them, they sometimes don’t feel the same way. I remember when I first met my ex boyfriend awhile back. We were in a car and he played one of my favorite songs. It was an obscure one. I’d listened to it in my bedroom, but none of my friends knew it and no one knew I listened to it. It was very much my own. But then he was playing it, and I looked at my friend who was sitting in the back with me and whispered “I can’t believe he’s playing this.”
He and I liked the same songs and each of us would like to repeat them. At first he wasn’t the exactly what I had imagined, but he did like the things I like and embodied the type of person I wanted to be around. I guess this is why I got so sore when he left.
But he was a lover, not a friend. It is more normal to find these things in lovers than in friends I’ve noticed. I have had almost three lovers I felt this way about, but only one friend. I do not know why this is. Maybe cuz sex and all that other stuff starts to make the lover seem greater than your expectations. Oh who knows!
Well, besides all that, here I am, alone again. I met a friend who I really liked here, but she is not around anymore, and we did not hang out regularly as you would imagine best friends would. If we lived in the same city I’m sure this would have happened. All an all, however, I have had a very difficult time having long lasting friendships in California. I don’t know if it’s me or this place, but now another one of my objectives is not just to improve myself and work towards my goals it is also to find my people. Where are you btw?
Im at a coffee shop on a Monday feeling similar. I’m sort of used to feeling that way even when I have a million friends, moving around has made everything seem temporal or like a vacation. It gets better after those weird lonely periods, just try to stay amused.
Anyway I’m here for you even though I’m not there. That might be confusing. I’m sure that if you werent making sf bank and i werent in school in a different place, we would have hung out all the bloody time. dont worry our lives will intersect soon, and we can stare out coffee shop windows together or do something even more thrilling.
love you.
Haha, my dear indeed I know how you feel. If you’ve been reading any of my entries lately, I think I’m writing the proverbial book on loneliness.
I find myself really envious and annoyed at all the males that have these friends, these really good friends that have all these ‘Stand by Me’ memories and whatnot, that can maintain the friendships after high school, college, marriage even.
Women are strange. It’s hard to make friends without seeming strange or desperate, I think. And then if you do make a friend, it’s easy come easy go.
Who needs a drink?!
Aww. I know that my you mean. I’m about to write another blog about loneliness. Sigh.